A MESSAGE FOR THE ADULT CHILDREN
By Sue Ronnenkamp

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I am writing this special message for the adult children who might be checking out my web site for advice on how to help parents with a later life move. This may also help older adults process this move with their children in a more beneficial way. Often times the adult children can be more resistant to the idea of their parents moving than the parents are themselves. I'll admit that even though I was completely behind my parents' move a few years ago, I still had that twinge - that feeling - of how could they sell the house where I grew up? As if this was some personal attack on my childhood! And I'll admit that I did what I warn against - I walked into the house the day of my parents' auction and started pulling things out of boxes marked to be sold - thinking how could they sell these precious things that were part of my life for so many years?

Luckily, in both instances I caught myself before I did any damage. When I stopped to think, I realized that this home they were letting go of had really stopped being "home" for me many years ago. I have my own home now and had for some time. I also realized that I didn't want the items I had pulled out of the boxes - it was just my own emotional reaction to the idea of loss. What I think we fear when we face our parents making a later life move is losing, once and for all, our own childhood . We also fear the realization that our parents are aging and that they will not be here with us forever. And we fear the realization that we are aging.

I'm asking the adult children reading this not only to fully support your parents during this living transition, but to also give your parents your permission to make this move if this is something they need from you. I hear older adults say on countless occasions that they worry about what their children will think if they decide to sell the family home and move. Many older adults also tell me that they know their children will tell them when it's time to move. Or they tell me that they are waiting to move until their children think it's time for this to happen.

What these parents don't realize is that they may be waiting forever because their children are in denial, and don't want to face the situation. Many adult children think (or want to believe) that their parents are still as they have always been - their rock and foundation, someone they turn to for support, NOT someone who needs or will need support themselves. This is especially easy to do if the adult children and parents are separated geographically and if most of their communication takes place by phone. A voice over the phone can sound the same for a long, long time. I've also seen this happen when the adult children see their parents every day. If this sounds like you, WAKE UP! It's time for you to start thinking of ways you can help and support your parents. They have always been there for you, now it's your turn to be there for them.

Ask your parents if they want your permission or approval to leave the family home, and offer to help them with their move - don't wait for them to ask for this. Remember how much it meant to have your parent's help and support when you left home for college, or when you got married and started your own family? This move is a major life transition and your parents may need your assistance just as you did when you faced transitions in your own life. Allow your parents to make their own decisions, but be ready and available if they need or want your support or guidance. Also, unless you are dealing with a move in a crisis situation, remember that it is best for all of you that you not handle this move for them but with them fully involved.

Finally, put aside your own fears about aging, and help your parents to be fully open to the new opportunities and experiences this move can offer them. Encourage them to be good role models for you with their ability to move to the next stage of their lives just as they have always served as role models for you in their work, home life and as parents when you were growing up. Support your parents and learn from them during the later stages of their lives. This will help you to prepare for living a full and rewarding life as you age.

In closing, I want to leave you with this list of reasons to talk to your parents and to continue to be involved in their transitions and the later stages of their lives.

Ten Key Reasons to Talk with Your Parents*

1. To learn as much as possible about your parents' current legal and financial affairs.
2. To learn as much as possible about your parents' wishes, both before and after their deaths.
3. To help provide information and guidance to your parents about resources available to them as they continue to age.
4. To help them make decisions about their affairs and their future.
5. To learn about their lives and the family history they hold in their memories.
6. To learn about you, your life, and your relationship with them.
7. To provide a sense of heritage for you and your children.
8. To help them maintain their dignity and as much control over their lives as possible.
9. To help them cope with aging and adapt to changes.
10. To talk about their feelings and reactions.

Take full advantage of supporting, being with and talking to your parents NOW while they are still alive. Don't be left with regrets after they are gone.

* from Baby Boomer's Guide to Caring for Aging Parents by Bart Astor (Macmillan Spectrum, 1998)

Sue Ronnenkamp is a nationally recognized expert in the area of later life, transitional moves. She is the founder and owner of Living Transitions , an Austin, Texas-based business that provides "hands on" help to older adults making downsizing moves. Sue also provides educational programs and resources including her book, Living Transitions: A Step-by-Step Guide for Making a Later Life Move , a long list of articles, popular presentations that shed a positive light and perspective on this topic, and a Business Starter Kit for Senior Move Specialists. For more information, check out Sue's web site at www.livingtransitions.com or call Sue at 512/407-8488.