HELL NO, WE WON'T GO!
By Sue Ronnenkamp

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Remember the battle cry during the 1960s Vietnam era? "HELL NO, WE WON'T GO!" Well, I'm beginning to think that this same battle cry has been transferred to a segment of the older generation who refuse to even consider making a later life move and leaving their long-time home.

I'll admit that I intentionally wrote my book, Living Transitions: A Step-by-Step Guide for a Later Life Move, for older adults who proactively choose to move on to a setting that is more appropriate for where they are now in their later years. I also intentionally choose proactive clients for my Living Transitions business because I know they are ready and willing to leave their home and move, and that they will let me help ease the work and stress of this experience.

I know - as many of you adult children and older adults out there reading this - that the situation is much stickier and more complicated when an older person refuses to move, or proclaims that they will resist this effort as much as they possibly can. For me I chalk it up to simply saying that LIFE IS TOO SHORT to spend my time with people who are resistant to change. But what can you do if you're the spouse of someone like this and you are ready to move but your husband or wife isn't? Or what if you are the adult child who feels that your parent really needs to move to more appropriate housing but who adamantly refuses to do so?

As a starting point, let's accept the fact that there are some people who are by nature resistant to change of any kind and who will probably not move until death or some health crisis forces them out of their home. I have also run across people who should not move unless they absolutely have to because they will make life miserable for those who try to help them and for those who will be forced to interact with them in their new home and setting. The key with anyone who is resistant to change is to focus on areas where the person might be accepting of some revisions to their current lifestyle and situation. See if you can precipitate at least some forward movement in this person's life.

Is the person a danger to anyone else?
First, look for any areas where this person might in any way be a danger to someone else. You may not be able to convince them to change but you do have a responsibility to look out for others that may be impacted by their decision. For example, is this person still driving such that they are a danger to themselves and others? If so, solicit the help of anyone who this person might possibly respect and listen to even if they won't listen to you.

This may be a doctor who can tell them that it is no longer safe for them to drive, or you may need to request the assistance of your state's Motor Vehicle Department. Another more radical suggestion is to disable the car in some manner (e.g., remove the battery) so the vehicle won't start. This is often easier than taking the keys away from a person with diminished mental or physical capabilities who should no longer be driving. I don't have any hard evidence on this but I'm starting to see an association between the resistance to a later life move and the resistance to giving up driving - even when both changes seriously need to be made in a person's life.

Are there other ways that this person can be supported?
If you are the adult child of a sole parent who refuses to move, look at ways that you can provide support and assistance to them in their home and monitor their situation. Maybe they will accept having meals delivered through the Meals on Wheels program, or having someone clean their house once a week and help with grocery shopping. Maybe they will agree to hire one of the neighborhood kids to mow their lawn, or shovel their sidewalks in the winter. Perhaps you could ask a neighbor or close friend to check in on your parent daily or weekly and to call you if they suspect or identify any major problems. Or you might consider hiring a geriatric care manager who will assess and monitor your parent's status in their home. Often times, it is easier for an outsider to provide help or "check in" than it is for an adult child who has emotional ties and baggage where the parent is concerned.

Will they consider starting the downsizing process?
Another area where you may have success in getting your parent or spouse to agree to some forward movement in their life is in the sorting and downsizing of belongings. Even if the person refuses to move, they may agree to start the process of going through their belongings or they might be willing to clean out a room in the house that is rarely used. This is the BIGGEST job with a later life move so any work you can accomplish in this area will help down the road.

If you're the spouse, this can be presented as an opportunity for you to go through your belongings together, to relive some of the memories they stir up, and to make decisions about what you want to happen with these things. Maybe you can give your collection of first edition books to the local library or ask your grandson to help you sell them over the internet. Maybe you'd like to give your special fishing rod to a favorite grandson now while you can still fish and spend time together. If you're the adult child, this can be presented as an opportunity to go through the house with your parents so they can share the stories and memories of belongings and pictures. This way you will be able to pass these stories on to other family members, and to the next and future generations. As a spouse or child, you can also present this as a special gift they can give you. As I always tell people, this work will need to be done sooner or later, and doing it now will be easier than going through things after the person has died or is no longer able to participate in the process.

Will they agree to look at available senior housing options?
Another suggestion that may work in getting your spouse or parent to think about the future is looking at housing options for their input should something happen that would force them to move from their home. Tell them that you would hate having to make a decision for them and that you would like them to look at the available senior housing options for their input, just in case. You may succeed with this idea especially if the person is someone who likes to be in control. They may realize that a stroke or fall or something similar might force them to leave their home - even temporarily for rehab - and that it might make sense to be prepared and look at the available options. Looking at housing options might even get your parent or spouse to consider a move. But if not, at least you have their feedback about what they would find acceptable and non-acceptable if a sudden move has to be made.

Would you consider moving without your resistant spouse?
I'll throw in one last - and more drastic - suggestion if you are the spouse of someone who is resistant to change and moving. If all your efforts to persuade your spouse to make some forward movement fail, you might decide to go ahead and move without them. I've known of more than situation where this happened. The result? The resistant spouse decided to move within a very short period of time when they found themselves alone without any support or company in the house.

This may be more extreme action than you'd be willing to take but my impression of this situation is that the resistant spouse is being very selfish and self-centered where you are concerned. They may even deserve this kind of action. Again, I don't have any hard evidence on this, but I often see situations were the resistant spouse is also the spouse who ends up dying first, and the one who may even die at home as they hoped to do. What is selfish and self-centered about this is that they leave their surviving spouse with all the work. This person is left with handling the downsizing process and the sorting of belongings, they are responsible for selling the home, and they have to make their later life move all alone. It's tough enough dealing with the death of a spouse without throwing in the stress of a later life, downsizing move on top of this loss. Maybe if you keep stressing this point, your spouse will come around and see the situation from your perspective.

I fully realize that there are no easy answers to this kind of situation. I'm only offering some possible solutions that might be helpful. If you're the adult child or spouse dealing with a resistant parent, husband, or wife - DON'T GIVE UP! Think of how you can creatively approach this person and situation and look at ways that you can encourage them to move forward with their life - even if it's a few inches at a time! It will be worth it in the long run for everyone concerned. Good luck!

Sue Ronnenkamp is a nationally recognized expert in the area of later life, transitional moves. She is the founder and owner of Living Transitions , an Austin, Texas-based business that provides "hands on" help to older adults making downsizing moves. Sue also provides educational programs and resources including her book, Living Transitions: A Step-by-Step Guide for Making a Later Life Move , a long list of articles, popular presentations that shed a positive light and perspective on this topic, and a Business Starter Kit for Senior Move Specialists. For more information, check out Sue's web site at www.livingtransitions.com or call Sue at 512/407-8488.